Kathryn Ford M.D.

Learning Partners Relationship Consultation

  • Bio
  • Approach
  • Availability
  • Press/Media
  • Video
  • Courses
  • Blog
  • Subscribe
  • Contact

Attuned= Mind reading + speaking

July 7, 2020 kathrynford

Are we supposed to know intuitively what our partner is feeling, wanting, thinking? Or are we supposed to tell each other explicitly? Yes, and yes. I’ve recently had interesting conversations with couples about the value of explicit communication versus “tuning in” to each other’s feelings, wants, needs.  One partner wanted the other to voice more directly what they wanted: “I don’t like it when you expect me to read your mind!” The other partner responded, “By now you should know me well enough to know how I feel about things.” As I often do, I encouraged them to understand how they are both right.

Intuitive, empathetic sensitivity is very important and is part of what feels good about becoming intimate with others. We feel connected and loved when others are tuned in to us. As human beings we are actually very well equipped for this kind of “mind-reading.” When we observe others, special neurons in our brains, mirror neurons, create in us an experience that is an approximation of what the other is feeling. This is the neurological basis for empathy. And the more time we spend with particular people, especially our partners, the better we get at it.

Even so, it’s an approximation; it gets us in the ballpark. Many other factors specific to each individual, and to the moment, determine the nuances of our experience of their feelings. Also, there are many variations on what our partner will want in certain states. If I am sad, my partner may have a vague sense that I am upset, but they may not be able to tell if I am anxious, tired, or sad. And they may not know if this is a moment for a hug or a cup of tea. Additionally, life being what it is, our partner may often be pre-occupied with other things, or themselves in some state that makes them less attuned.

For the fullest understanding our intuitive awareness must be combined with explicit communication. And this combination, over time, helps us fine-tune our intuitive understanding. Receiving explicit information about what certain “vibes” mean, helps us to make better guesses about each other’s experience. By combining intuitive understanding with explicit communication, we become increasingly more connected and skillful in meeting each other’s needs.

Blog, Uncategorized attunement, connection, couples, empathy, feelings, relationships

Kathryn Ford, M.D. helps couples to stay open to each other by cultivating present-moment awareness, especially Aperture Awareness™ , the felt sensation of availability for connection. Also read my blog on Psychology Today

Testimonials

“Dr. Ford is brilliant as an expert and as an instructor…she conveys learning material in a clear, concise, and relatable manner.”

“Dr. Ford is an excellent speaker, extremely knowledgeable, and addressed the subject of this course in a very clear, understandable way. Her manner of of inviting questions and class discussion was respectful and made it safe and easy to participate.”

“The way that I communicate with EVERYONE changed after just the first Saturday and the phone session.”

“This course was a wonderful support to my husband’s and my efforts to open up in our communication with each other. Dr. Ford’s empathetic yet practical feedback allowed us to be realistic in our expectations and kept the experience of new approaches from becoming overwhelming. I would definitely take another course with Dr. Ford”

“Profoundly appreciated Dr. Ford’s exceptional perceptive skill and nuanced articulation…Can’t wait to sign up for her next course in this program or elsewhere.”

“Exceptional teacher and clinician! Would highly recommend her course!!”

“Thank you for a wonderful, thought-provoking class!”

 

Posts

Get Ready for Your Next Big Relationship: Have Hard Conversations

Self-Compassion: The Key to Loving the World

  • Attuned= Mind reading + speaking
  • Connect to feel better
  • Mood Management
  • Different Coping Styles
  • Emotional Contagion
  • Difficult Conversations: The “Doorbell” Strategy
  • Repair After Injury
  • The Power of an Inspiring Vision

Archives

Tags

aperture attunement connecting connection coping couples dialogue difficult conversations discovery doorbell empathy energy feelings Gottman inspiration mistakes mood relationshiip relationship relationships repair Stanford start-up stress trust vision workshop

Copyright © 2023 · Privacy Policy · Site Design: Ilsa Brink